Posts Tagged ‘Dark Humour

18
Dec
10

Rahul Gandhi Jokes

  • RG claims that peddling a tri-cycle with Vega helmet is dangerous than flying an aircraft!
  • RG feels that over-heating of water in geyser is more dangerous than global warming!
  • RG believes that Rajnikanth is responsible for Mosquito breeding!
  • RG feels cutting a Marshmellow is difficult than chopping head of a stone statue
  • Sonia Gandhi: Have you read Shakespeare? RG: No, who wrote it?
  • As a child, RG climbed the glass wall to see what was on the other side!
  • RG spends 20mins looking at the orange juice box because it said ‘Concentrate’
  • In one attack, RG got stabbed in a shoot-out
  • If you give RG 25paise for his intelligence, you will get a change back!
  • He takes a ruler to his bed to see how long he sleeps
  • RG asked the price of the product at Dollar shop as an adult!
  • When RG went to airport he saw the board ‘Airport Left’. He turned around and went home!
  • When RG was asked about his absence in school, he said that he got tripped over a cordless phone!
13
Sep
10

A snippet from my book..

He said: I have already submitted all my documents.

Officer: But we can not process, as we don’t have your school-leaving certificate! Please provide.

He said: (frustrated) I have misplaced my school-leaving certificate, but I have brought my certificates of high school examination and graduation. If I am graduated, it is obvious that I would have completed my school. Right?

Officer: We need your school-leaving certificate.

He said: (more frustrated than before) Does this mean that I have not completed my school education? I have even lost my birth certificate, so does it mean that I am already dead?

Officer: No. For that, we need your Death Certificate.

He said: OK. After I die, is it OK if I send my Death Certificate through my friend or is it compulsory for me to come here and submit?

Officer(confused): Are you sure you have completed your school?

02
Sep
10

Shocks & Stocks

To,

The Unknown Person,

Who sold me shares,

Of loser firms.

NSE,

India.

Dear Sir/Madam,

Subject:- Why are you not an Angel?

Once, there was a time, when I was so happy in life as I was studying and spending my father’s wealth. Then I got a job and I started earning. Trust me, it was a good amount of money that I was making. But greed overtook my content and I started investing my small part of savings. When I got returns, I started investing in the stock market and that’s when I started getting shocks.

As I trusted my luck way too much, I conveniently forgot to analyse and study the market first. I purchased shares of the firms where my close friends were working. Stupid. So stupid. On the first day when I purchased stocks of 5 different firms, believe it or not, all were listed in ‘Today’s top LOSERS’. Why did you sell your stock? You should have been more selfless. You should have warned me to stop this idiotic behavior. Bizarre to be more precise. Please purchase my stocks at the same price. Please. Please! I promise you a free copy of my first book. Please. It will have my signature too! Now please! Show some sympathy!

Waiting for your positive reply,

Yours faithfully,

A wise man who invested foolishly!

PS:- I am more innocent than being a fool!

08
Apr
10

A drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts

I have divided people according to their behavior. When they are drunk!!

Group no.1
Shouts at everyone, they do weird things, for them the feeling of getting drunk is as good as attending a seminar on the ‘Chosen ones’ in heaven!

Group no.2
They tease each other. To be more convenient, they corner some one in the group, and they tease him/her till the person is disgusted. Such people have to get the sense of achievement in life, they are actually not losers, but yes, the one who does not even try for anything. They laugh at others’ emotions! Then they think that they are Tigers!

Group no.3
They talk sense. They talk politics, history, geography, recent events, and everything that is worth discussing. They respect your views, counter views. They argue, they accept, they refuse, they argue again! In the end they are left with a little value addition.

Group no.4
They watch a movie. Then they watch another movie. Then they watch another movie.

Group no.5
They go to the dance floor and dance. and dance. and dance.

Group no.6
They get emotional. They cry. They call their old friends. They say sorry. They ask them to join the party. They get drunk. They pay for them. And the old friends make fun of them. They end up getting more emotional.

Group no.7
They sit. Relax. Observe.

Group no.8
They drink as little as possible. But they over act as much as possible! Then they act as if they are drunk. Then they say things they would have actually said if they were really drunk!

Group no.9
They don’t know what they want to do when they are drunk. They don’t want to repent about their out of control activities. They don’t want to lose their diplomacy. So they conveniently finds a place and sleep!

Group no.10
They are similar to that of group no.9, but they sleep with some one else.

Group no.11
They are similar to that of group no.10, but they sleep in some one else’s room.

Group no.12
They don’t know what to do, so they cry!

Group no.13
They go to everyone and say sorry. For no reason.

Group no.14
They take the responsibility of making everyone drunk. They feel that the God has chosen them for making drinks for everyone in the party and He wants them to get others drunk to attain salvation.

Group no.15
They don’t drink because they have to pay. The moment the drinks are free, they get drunk and say thank you to the person! Then they bull shit, and make sure that they apply enough butter to the person who is paying for them.

Group no.17
They get drunk and call anyone and everyone in their phone list. They invite them to drink even if the other person is sleeping in the other corner of this world. For them, everyone is at airport waiting for their call, so that they catch the flight and come to their stupid small party to drink.

(Oh where is 16??)
Group no.16
They drink, get drunk and update their blog about their observation about the other people who drinks and get drunk! 😛

07
Feb
10

baba black hole ka gyaan -2

“My responsibility, our responsibility as lucky Americans, is to try to give back to this country as much as it has given us…” C. Powell

Tell me the name of the person who is stopping you! I think Osama is following this too, he took terrorism from you and gave you back.. haha! Peace!

“Entrepreneurs are the forgotten heroes of America.” Ronald Reagan

Farmers are the forgotten heroes of India, and they are not even rich, and they are from India!

Become the kind of leader that people would follow voluntarily; even if you had no title or position. -Brian Tracy

But if people follow you, they give you title and that’s when the downfall starts….

“Not the cry, but the flight of the wild duck, leads the flock to fly and follow.” -Chinese Proverb

Yes, lead by example. It is difficult, but if you wanna be a leader, you have to make sure that you deserve it!

Faith is the highest passion in a human being. Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that Faith is his twin brother.

Wow, what a relationship between faith and doubt. The trick is to identify whom to doubt and whom to follow faithfully!

Early to bed, early to rise and your girl goes out with other guys.

At least then you realize that she was never yours!

31
Jan
10

Crazy me!

In class, I used to sit on the last bench and compose poems and dedicate it to people around. This ritual started in my 12th standard class and I continued it throughout! These two poems are dedicated to one of my friend in SIMSR. I was convincing her to commit suicide! As in, giving her reasons to die 😛

I used to write them in their notebook. Recently she gave me these poems! I wrote it as if she is writing it!

First Part of the poem:-

There are many things that one must not do..
there are other things that one must totally avoid..
this should also apply to God..
for the betterment of mankind..
but still i was born……………………

sometimes i feel..
that m just adding to the population
reducing the per capita income..
if Apoorva is an asset of India,m the bad debt..
corrupting the whole balance sheet of life..
i should kill myself with a sharp knife………………..

finally i have realized..
i was not born to live..
m just born without any reason..
God made me without any vision………………………….

truth is my life is a big fat hell..
the brand of my laptop is dell..
every morning i travel by rail..
in every exam of life.. i always fail……………………….

Second part of the poem:-

Everybody hates me..
and mocks at my life..
if apoorva is like an oxygen to mankind
then m like a vacuum pipe……

i know i cant do anything..
but still i will try..
i will torture everybody..
till the moment they cry……..

when i walk on those dark streets
i wish i come under many cars..
ethically and morally people like me
should definitely be behind iron bars..

my birth is a big mistake but i don wanna repeat it..
let my death be made as a trick to put everybody in trouble..
if satyam is a scam then m its bubble..

😛

29
Jan
10

Baba Black Hole ka Gyaan!

The secret of success in life is for a man to be ready for his opportunity when it comes

I am ready for all opportunities, confusion starts when I think of taking this or wait for the better one!

Success does not consist in never making blunders, but in never making the same one a second time. Josh Billings

Will you follow this quote if you are in Engg. college? Also, this way, the world will be divided into those whose first love is successful and those who are still single! 😛

I cannot give you the formula for success, but I can give you the formula for failure–which is: Try to please everybody.

So what should we do? Sit, eat and sleep??

Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration and inspiration.

If someone likes Madhuri Dixit or Kajol, aspires for her, is desperate for her, is ready to perspire for her, and is totally inspired to have her! Kuch bhi! Try your luck, they both have families! I don’t like anybody and I am still successful! 😛

The difference between a successful person and others is not a lack of strength, not a lack of knowledge, but rather a lack in will

Have you heard of luck? or Devdas? 😛

The secret of success is to know something nobody else knows. Aristotle Onassis

Do you know what is the colour of my inner wear? No na, I am still not successful because I know it!

Success is the sum of small efforts, repeated day in and day out. Robert Collier

I read newspaper daily but I am not able to score a century in any match of cricket. Got it? 😛

Start differentiating between the opportunities and wait for the right one. Make mistakes yaar, every-time you will get new ideas and thoughts and philosophies! Yes why should we please or hurt anybody, bhai do your own work and the world will love you, you will end up pleasing everybody! Aspiration, perspiration etc are just words with similar sound, the true melody of life is to do what you like! There is nothing called “lack of will”, yes, “lack of interest” is acceptable! It is not about small efforts you put day in and day out, it’s about the right effort at right time with right strength in right direction is all that matters!

And still if you are not successful, read such quotes and make fun of it! Good time pass, it will allow you to think out-of-the-box! Right? why to read quotes and restrict our thinking to the composer of those quotes, make your own quotes. Trust me, it’s the best way to kill time! 😛




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